why am i doing this

happygolucky_47 @ 2006-02-27T19:19:00

2006-02-28T00:20:01Z

everything SUCKS. everything. my uncle had a heart attack and almost died. my friend ran away. one of my best friends who i havent seen in FOREVER fucked up majorly and got grounded for an eternity, when we had plans to hang out this weekend. the guy i like doesnt like me (surprise surprise...i should have known. i'm aimee jewell, after all). i got two tests back on friday: one c, one d. one of my friends is suicidal and basically, in a nut shell, i'm practically holding her life IN MY HANDS. to put the cherry on the sundae: i made jv lacrosse team. 3 sophomores. all freshman, damn it. what the fucking hell am i doing wrong? i'd looove to know.

for ONCE i'd just like someone, some PEOPLE for christ's sake, to do something nice for ME. yeah sure, everyones great. but when people have bad days, i go out of my way for them to have a better one. i bake cookies, i make locker signs, i write them notes, i call them, i leave them comments. basically, i do things i would LOVE for people to do for me. throw me a party. that would be AWESOME. make me a locker sign, call ME, bake me cookies (not that i need them...), or you know what. do something as simple as taking an effing piece of looseleaf paper and writing me a damn note. it would take 5 seconds of your time. and maybe, just maybe, it would make my day better. but of course, you'd never think about that.

yeah, so i've got that group of best friends that everyone wants. sure. theyre WONDERFUL and i love them to death. but arent best friends supposed to do NICE things for you when your practically falling apart? i meanmaybe i dont know what i'm talking about but i'd love some support.

you: youre my best friend who used to write me notes and do REALLY cool stuff for me, that thing in my locker for example: AMAZING. but you just quit. i do a shit-load for you...couldnt you return the favors like you used to?
and you. all you do is smoke and drink. what the fuck are you doing with your life? i mean come on. your dads right. you ARENT going anywhere.
and you! i love you to death but my god, you say you wanna do nice things for people when theyre having bad days, and i understand your busy. but my lord, i am too and i still have time to do nice things for people? i mean c'mon, youre my best friend! your SUPPOSED to do that kinda stuff. and you. words cannot explain what i feel for you now. we used to be so close but we've drifted apart lately. but its almost like everything i do for you doesnt count. its only if THEY do it. if they do something with me, its horrible.i'm horrible. i complain. i suck at life...thats an understatement. i cant get a good grade, i suck at every sport i play, i am too dedicated to my friends and family so i'm told.

"your friends take a break from you aimee, why dont you do the same for them. they probably get sick of you."

...yeah. my own effing mother said that.

...the tribe has spoken. apperently, i'm off the island. i'm sick of being an optimist. today i'll admit it. I'M FALLING APART.

i'm bleedin' and broken
though i've never spoken
i've come undone
in this mad season
now i'm cryin'
isnt that what you want
and i'm tryin to live my life on my own
but at times i do believe i am strong
so please someone tell me why do i feel stupid when i've come u n d o n e ?
_ matchbox 20 _

happygolucky_47 @ 2006-01-17T22:03:00

2006-01-18T03:06:13Z

lifes going great

some things i'm not sure about...

some things i doubt...

but overall

life is great

oh, and aside from the fact that there isnt gonna be another gilmore girls episode for another 2 weeks. damn wb...

look meg! my first positive entry...out of 3...i'm not doin too bad! haha

the fray is amazing

happygolucky_47 @ 2006-01-02T13:37:00

2006-01-02T18:40:34Z

and when it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?

youre a TOUCH over-rated

i hope i'm as invisible as you make me feel

...and this time i thought everything would be different...god i'm dumb.

happygolucky_47 @ 2005-12-29T22:32:00

2005-12-30T04:45:39Z

what up.

so, like the title says, i'm not sure why the hell i'm doing this. meg's fault. haha. she got me into this online journal non-sense. i dont even keep a real journal.and no one is going to read this.

but whattttever

i really dont know what to say. but i'm sick of myself. totally sick. completely sick. utterly SICK of myself. why? i'm not even sure anymore. i'm sick of bitching to my friends who tell me the same thing over and over again " aimee youre a good person. youre so pretty and so great at softball and so smart "

well then tell me this, why am i not on the softball team? where's that straight a report card? where's that magnificent looking boyfriend? beacuse i feel like i'm missing something. ...i'd love to see that stuff though. and you know, thats exactly what i thought you'd say

i dunno. i mean yeah, i have a great life. but is it too good? i mean i know the answer to that is no...big time. but i mean what the fuck is wrong with me? i can never be happy for more than 5 minutes without putting myself down. god i'm ugly, i'm not the right weight, i'm not a good enough friend, oh, well she likes her better than me, i dont do anything right, they all think i'm annoying is what it really boils down to.i mean what the FUCK is up with this shit. i hear that i'm a good person all the time. i'll never tell anyone that but i guess i'll type it out for the world to see. sure. i dont see whats up with this. i used to crave compliments so much. to hear "aimeee youre so smart" felt like i was gonna melt. i loved it. and i still do. but its just youve been told that so many times, its drilled into your brain yet nothing seems to click with me. yeah sure, i get told i'm smart. that used to mean the world to me, but lately, it doesnt mean shit because i dont think that. i think i'm stupid.. does that mean anything? never. because anytime you say something bad about yourself 40,000 people (yeah...exactly that many too) come at you with compliments like oh my god aimee how could you ever think that? easily.

i hate the fact that lately, days are great, but at night, i always feel sorry for myself. in a way. but then i dont. like...i hate feeling sorry for myself so much, that i can stop it. but its almost like i'm at that point where i'm happy but i'm not REALLY happy. like i am with other people around. i hate the fact that i cant be by myself and be happy. but then again, sometimes, with the music blaring and me singing at the top of my lungs or vaccuming and singing, i'm always happy. i guess its just certain things that bug me. like little stuff my friends do. its nothing about them. its just little jestures that make me feel like they have better friends than me. i'm constantly in the thought "oh, well theyve got a more important best friend than me", "they have more fun with this person," or "what if they like this person better than me" and i mean. i know that goes through everyones mind at some point. and almost every day i'm like oh who gives a shit. i'm gonna be myself. they can like it or they cannot. but its just with those certain people. and the fact that i have so many different groups of friends that its almost irritating. i dont know. maybe everything will be okay tomorrow.

She said I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved
By a hand that’s touched me, well I feel like something’s gonna give